Dear Pythia: Scanners and Dealing with Chad

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Dear Pythia,

I think I might have just killed my career but I don’t quite understand what happened. I work in outfitting, on the docks. I was due for a promotion, so I decided to sort out a solution to something that has bothered me since I started.

See, your top of the line Advanced Discovery Scanner and Detailed Surface Scanner are pretty standard Class 1 equipment on any explorer. I’m constantly installing these things in ships that have available space for a device two or three times the size. With the dockyard absorbing a small fortune in bracing and adapters, I thought I had a killer idea. Combine the two into a single device; a complete stellar analysis package that could fit into a single Class 2.

Here is where it gets weird. After removing some of the shielding and mounting brackets on both devices, I noticed that they fit perfectly together. I mean, exact fit, like they were designed to be a single device.

Feeling bold, I installed it in my supervisor’s prized DBX, the ‘Meryl-Lynn.’ We had just installed a new FSD and he was due for a shakedown run later that day so this was perfect. He loves that ship, I’ve seen him out there buffing the paint with a fresh nappy for hours. Figure he goes on his run, sees the module in his baby, and I’ve got my feet up on my new desk even before he lands.

I watched him clear the rack before I lost sight. The explosion was few moments later. Asking around I hear the station slagged his ship and that it was some glitch in the station’s defence matrix. I didn’t see him for a few days after they recovered his pod. He finally showed at the start of the shift, and he looked like he wanted to space me on the spot. Fortunately the dam held – he just handed me a holopad with a transfer order.

Unfortunately, I’m to report to a disused yard at the far end of the station as a sanitary technician. Signed by someone named ‘Brookes’. There isn’t anyone in my yard with that name, never heard of any in my hierarchy with that name. What did I do wrong? Can you help me understand? What are my options?

-Outcast in Outfitting

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Dear Outcast in Outfitting,

Sorry, hon. I’m told by legal counsel that the only acceptable response to your question is: ‘Don’t’.

-Pythia


Dear Pythia,

Can you help me get rid of my hired pilot? About a week ago I accepted a dangerous hauling run to an anarchy system. The pay was so good, I had to take it immediately.

I had a small panic attack when I pulled up the outfitting request system. I’d sold my weapons a few stations back for a better jump range, and all they had here was pulse lasers and used fighter bays. It was the best I could do so I placed the order and headed down to the lounge to see about hiring a pilot.

Thats where I met… let’s call him Chad. Ok – for reasons that I need not go into here, I hired Chad.

My first clue should have been when he showed up for duty without a bag. When I informed him that this would be a multiple day trip, he just clapped me on the back and mumbled something about us being the same size and that it was “all good”. I let it go.

Long story short, we’ve finished a few runs and he’s a decent pilot. However, he’s driving me insane. He once came into the cockpit, rested a beer–one of my beers I might add–against the canopy and reached over me to activate heatsinks. I was so dumbstruck that I just gaped. He just said “frosty” and left with it.

Yesterday, I was using the fighter to inspect damage from the previous engagement. When I deactivated the neural link interface, Chad was standing over me with a pen, smiling. You don’t even want to know what I discovered on my forehead in the mirror a few hours later.

I’ve fired him. Multiple times. He doesn’t leave! He just laughs and goes back to what he’s doing. I’m at a loss as to what to do. I’ve stopped paying him, nothing! At least he still pilots the fighter. ARG!

-Chad-Challenged

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Dear Chad-Challenged,

I’ll admit, that heatsink trick is a new one for me, clever. Your problem is one of precedent and follow through. You should have gone with your gut and terminated him before he boarded. At this point he knows you can’t remove him so he’ll continue to mooch off you for as long as possible. You have yourself a full blown Chad infestation.

Unfortunately there is only one cure for a Chad infestation: really, really bad music. Perhaps starting with something in a pan flute or some new-age stuff with wake angel mating calls in it. You may have to experiment a bit to find the right music. And don’t forget; you must be unrelenting or it won’t work!

-Pythia

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